April 7, 2002
This hash begins
in the thriving metropolis of Waterdown on an otherwise ordinary Sunday
afternoon.
The hare shows up
with a six pack of American beer to share with early cummers which leads
Joystick to comment that it’s not often we get to start the run with a
mouthful of Busch...alas...too true.
A circle forms.
There are no
virgins.
There are no
visitors.
There are no
introductions.
We don’t count P’Nguin’s
pants donator as a visitor at this point because he wisely does not venture out
of the car.
A short and sweet
chalk talk is given by the newly named Copulate and off we go. It turns out to
be a pretty shitty run for a new guy . Lots of uphill running, lots of shiggy. A
beer stop at the hare’s house.
Luckily we are
forewarned that if we want a beer from the back deck of Copulate’s house we
had better be able to cross the lawn in 9 seconds or less because the dog can do
it in 10. Needless to say a hesitant crowd gathers at the side gate. Finally
Joystick’s desire for alcohol overcomes his fear of the dog and he lifts the
latch and ventures into the back yard. Lubricunt points out that he actually
only has to outrun the slowest person and we all take off after him.
No dog appears....
Neither does Two Jugs.
Not wanting to
suffer through the incessant whining that we would surely have to endure if Two
Jugs were to miss the beer stop, someone goes to try and find him before he
reaches Burlington. The rest of us soon uncover the best kept secret in the
hash...actually any kept secret in the hash is something of a rarity but I
digress. We discover that Copulate has a hot tub. He cleverly decides not to
issue a formal invitation but rather banks on the chance that only those hashers
daring enough to go "au naturel" will show up after the on –on.
No one does.
We are from the
Oakville hash after all.
Surrounding the
hot tub is a lovely new deck. (Except for that last board that just wouldn’t
fit so was hanging loose over the side...that’s gotta be annoying) It’s a
nice two level deck that affords the GM a regal view of his people and also the
opportunity to perform a baptismal of sorts on the head of the poor unsuspecting
Scouse Bitch below. Which in turn provides us with a little entertainment whilst
we wait for the search party to return with Two Jugs. Copulate goes inside for
more alcohol...shooters anyone? Just before we are ready to pack in the hash and
park ourselves on the now filthy dirty deck Two Jugs shows up for his beer and
tequila shot.
We reluctantly
move on-in. Some of us (Joystick, Hyena and Humidor) get there sooner than
others. Much sooner. Unfortunately for them it only means they have to wait
longer for the beer. Na na na na boo boo.
The rest of us are
led in the opposite direction ...some of us take a teeeennnie weeennie short cut
and finally this hash is over.
The down downs
begin.
The hare gets one
of course.... Someone comments it’s the best one he’s done. Well it’s the
ONLY one he’s done.
The former owner
of P’Nguin’s pants (Andrew) gets one for showing up and not running.
P’Nguin gets one
for front running...obviously in a rush to meet the above-mentioned pantless
one.
Birdie gets one
for having extremely white shoelaces...
Two Jugs gets one
for Blindness. Stevie Wonder could have found the beer stop sooner.
Oral Sox gets one
for the chivalrous act of going to find Two Jugs.
Scouse Bitch
receives one for standing in an inappropriate spot.
Weaklink gets
nailed for getting his bum titties mixed up (don’t you hate it when that
happens.?)
Humidor gets one
for being a visionary and finding the quickest way back.
Joystick and Hyena
get one for majorly shortcutting.
Lubricunt gets one
for encouraging people to shortcut...(getting the theme yet?)
Yours truly gets
one for being disrespectful to the GM (honestly though, you really can see what
religion he is in those spandex shorts...) I also get the added pleasure of
being presented with the newly acquired (all the way from New Orleans)
tit-of-the-week necklace to wear.
Yes it has a big
plastic penis hanging from it.
Yes I forget I
have it on and wear it into Turtle Jack’s family restaurant.
Which brings us to
the on-on .
Who ordered the
hummingbird wings?
It’s clearly a
case of getting what we pay for. The beer flows cold and generously and that is
good.
We get the latest
scoop on Black Widow’s sex change (not from him/her of course ...he/she wasn’t
there... Oral Sox muttered something about a hangover but we know it’s because
the swelling hasn’t gone down.)
Or shall I
say...hasn’t come up. At any rate it’s all over but the farting and we leave
as the town of Waterdown heaves a collective sigh of relief that we are gone
taking our gaseous bellies with us.
On On
Hand Job
