It was snowing in Oakville but for once it was sunny in the Honeymoon City of Niagara, so you hashers have no excuse for wimping out and staying home. Or was it the fact that it was - 25°C? End up with a core of hardy hashers, willing to test fate and their canoochies in the frigid temps. Marineland being closed the only animals out on the road were hashers, who were supposed to have dressed sexy in red, well this was in scant view, other than the hares, who sported a red plastic heart and a red fluffy piece of tail and TwoJugs in pink polka dots. HandJob apparently showed sexy only to certain intimates, and DeadEnd said: "I’ll do it later". When it became obvious that no other idiots had braved the slippery roads, we started off with some southern comfort to warm up, and after a short chalk talk by Mr. Hare, rambling on about the day of love and marriage - incompatible some say, off we went. Chalk or any other marks were not very visible en route, some hare-brained excuse about snow and wetness, but fortunately yours truly knew the way, the hare himself deciding not to do it twice, this being a waste, which is what I always say but he generally doesn’t listen and tries anyway.

Pressed on by bodily urgings, we quickly reached the greenhouse where relief and tropical ambience awaited. Strolling through the lovely flower arrangements and surrounded by the tweetering of birds, it was easy to forget the frigidness outside, and hard to get the hashers back on the road. Running by the famous honeymoon falls, we were impressed by the timeless beauty and the lack of tourists, who like us obviously did not relish being pelted with ice pellets spraying off from the falls. In a bout of temporary sanity the hares contemplated taking a major shortcut, only to be prevented from such a prophylactic move by Oral Sex, who thought we should go the whole way. We did do a teeny weensy shortcut, bypassing the scene of the mass wedding 3 years ago which this hash was memorializing, and ran straight up the totally tacky Clifton Hill, home of incredibly gaudy displays of entertainment for the masses, which we could have and should have gone into if only to warm up, but we were running late, as reminded by Phart who was following us in his warm car, his excuse being that he had a cold. The only mitigation being another handing out of alcoholic comfort and valentine candy, and then there was nothing to be done but to tough it out till the bitter end, passing the new casino under construction and a proliferation of high-rise hotels, all in anticipation of robbing Americans of their Yankee money. The advertised "Mile to Marineland" turned out to be at least 3 K, and no short cuts possible, so we persevered and should have received the Walter (or Robert Falcon - Ed.) Scott medal for bravery for doing this without a dogsled and sealskin parka, to hell with animal activists. But we made it to the end, where we found a little shelter, but still cold enough to freeze the wine instantly upon kicking it over by Bonkers. Chocolate cake for HandJob who celebrated or lamented another year, 31 in American, good for her the yankee dollar has just devalued, so the numbers not as devastating.

Well there were some Down-downs, but my brain being frozen, don’t know if I remember them all:

· ET and Phart for being the hares, and boy that beer was cold

· Bonkers for spilling the wine

· Handjob for having a birthday

· Dead End for NOT peeing on trail

· Bonkers again for going on and on and on

· ET and Phart again for taking off to Brazil, where it is now 30°C

I could have had a down-down for peeing on tail, but no one noticed, since I gave it a good blow job.

So after I kicked the wine over for good, off to the On-On on Lundy’s Lane, and some people not having shown up due to hangovers, there was no great clamouring to go to a certain place where love is cheap and the pitchers are $21, so we trundled off to a much more sedate and inexpensive establishment, especially cheap since Phart offered to pay, but I’m not quite sure whether I let him, because after 6 years of married bliss (3 years each), we still don’t agree on a lot. Well, Black Widow having an internet date, Bonkers going to Chicago, DeadEnd to Scarberia, it was time to hit the road, so till we meet again....and show you my tan......

ON ON!

Reported by ET