Pave-over Paradise Hash

June 6, 2004

Hare: Black Widow (ably assisted by Just Andy)

Hashers:, TwoJugs, Oral Sox, Birdbrian, GoodCrack, Suzette, Gofer, ET

It being a loverly sunny day, we decide to partake in the Sunday hash in the bucolic town of Milton, and see what the hare’s new digs look like.  Well, late as usual, always being rushed by Phart, no time to sleep in on Sunday, and zipping down rural roads to make it on time dangerously overdoing the speed limit.  Long country roads, disappearing into the horizon, and still no Milton in sight.  One new subdivision after another, is this the one? is this the one? but no, still farther we go.  Finally we screech around the corner, no pavement, brand new houses topping mounds of dirt, and there we find it, even though the address was wrong, but no mistaking the group of huddling hashers.  Where is everyone, now that we are here?  Not a big group, but only those who count have shown up. We start off on the wine, and await further arrivals - that would be GoodCrack and that’s it.  Circle up and off we go.  This was a well-hared hash, with a multitude of marks, two beer stops, and a hare with a 2-way radio with someone actually listening to him on the other end.   After some wrong starts, we’re off on a rather lengthy jaunt, starting at the hare’s lovely appointed but still needing some work and especially a front lawn homestead.  Where once there were idyllic  meadows and farmers fields, our trajectory  now takes us through  a miscellany of newly built and not yet built neighbourhoods, unpaved roads,  piles of dirt and construction detritus.  Newly dug  lakes with hopeful fountains predict a glimmer of  future parks where the young wymmin of today dragging their screaming toddlers along dirt roads will be grannies on a park bench staring mature trees and Alzheimer in the eye.  Yes, the former farmland, with cows tranquilly mooing into the distance, has been transmogrified into a yuppie suburbia, with heavily mortgaged rowhouses  holding broods of brats, gas-guzzling SUV’s, and bleakeyed commuters having to pay for it all.  And yet, every here and there we still find a patch of pastoral beauty, with wildflowers, creeklets with clumps of lilies, unknown birds such as herons and red-breasted blackbirds, and the occasional snarl of poison ivy.  Alas, this is not for long, as prognosticated by the sage TwoJugs: Look Ye, Look Ye at Mother Nature’s beauty, because soon this too will be paved over by dozers, to make place for condos,  semis, duplexes and triplets.  The dark, dank and decrepit  horse stable will become a gleaming conformist stripmall, the fields of waving cornstalks will be a bustling plaza with the obligatory big box and chain outlets, and the poison ivy will no  longer be able to bite Phart in the ass.  With one nostalgic look at the last clump of boscage we jump the fence and plod over dirt clumps to the freshly minted school ready to indoctrinate innocent kiddies in the dogmas of mass consumption and we’re back at the hare’s house, ready to do some consuming of our own. But first on the agenda some down downs:

Down down for Hare for a hash that was 2 short and did not have enough marks

Down down for Birdbrian who hadn’t hashed in a fortnight (what a bloody Brit expression) and who promptly exclaimed : Mmmm this beer tastes rubbery! Which is Japanese for loverly

Down down for Phart for calling hashers by geek names

Down down for Birdbrian & Black Widow for Peeing on trail.  Birdbrian was adorned with the “I Peed on Trail” Award and actually found the toilet paper useful for wiping the rubbery beer from his face.

Down down for GoodCrack who received the Budding Actress award, playing an Alzheimer patient in a Police documentary, not too far out of character for her

Down down for Oral Sox who laid too long in the chainlink fence hammock fashioned by filial duty before jumping over, leading to the chanting of the old English ditty “She laid in her hammock and played the guitar....”

Down down for ET for being the  muddiest on trail and shit it did not even rain

Down down for TwoJugs, Receiving Best Acrobat Award, tripping over a fence where there was none

Down down for Phart for autohashing, his excuse being that he was gimpy, but he really wanted to play with the hare’s gear shaft and chat up his girl

Then we had the Auspicious Occasion of Naming A New Hasher, the young Stacey of unbridled energy, who on her knees was christened “Gofer” with flour on her head

Then there was the sweet honeypot presentation to Phart by Antique Garage Sale Huntress Oral Sox , leading the Phartman to admit that he now finally has a pot to piss in.

So on we go to the heating of the dogs -- what is it with these hashers that their sausages are their favourite? O.K. so they were good, but even better were the abundant accoutrements apported by the hashers, such as snackeroos, fruit salads, and a heavenly homemade pie by Birdbrian.  And then the dreaded moment where we ran out of wine, but although having seen the heavenly vision of a wine treasury neatly laid out on carpentered racks,  no Sesame would open the webmaster’s hardened heart or any bottle of his, even begged by his mother, so nothing left but to hand out the garlic to ward off the devil and jump in the chariot to go down our own. 

On-on!                                                                                                                Reported by E.T.

Run No 778

I vote for Birdie Hash

June 28, 2004

On a balmy Monday evening in June yours truly and her old Phart motor out to the highlands of Lowville to attend a hash priorly prefabricated by Hares Birdie and her Unseen Cock.

A good turnout for a night usually reserved for doing dirty laundry and watching Monday night football with following Hashers coming out of their burrows: Golden Showers, GoodCrack, TwoJugs, Oral Sox, BlueBalls, Black Widow, Dyscount,  Phart, ET, Toad, Canoodle, and Bumsteer, and with Barbie showing up when all is said and done.

While waiting for the hare to emerge from the woodlands we spray exposed epidermis with mosquito muzzling repellent and watch Black Widow pull out his itinerant chaise lounge, proclaiming him now chairman of nothing, and discussing the merits of eating establishments in far-off places such as Kitchener with Blueballs, wondering if he now has this affliction since we haven’t seen Handjob for a while.

It may have rained the previous night, and even now the clouds look threatening, so a route reiteration   was required by the hare, and finally a flourstained Birdie emerges from the deep woods and squares off in the circle to give her instructions to her meek followers.  Do not mess with Birdie because she can be mean and devilishly devious. So off we go on trail,  variously running and walking, with Phart turning back after half a hill and Canoodle not even trying and sitting in his vehicle.  However, the hardy lot plods on, and scales steep hills wending our way  into a parklike conservatory foliage. On and on we go, past ponds and brooks, but never crossing!  Past sleepy cottages and watermills, on down to the bottom of that steep, steep hill, then clambering our way back Up! Up! to our origins, listening to Birdie and TwoJugs babbling on about the rarefied avifauna twittering about in branches and bushes, until we finally arrive back at the chariots. 

Where down-downs are in order - first off to the Hare for a Run Too Dry - this not only for not forcing the crossing of wetbacks up to their armpits through streams but for the biggest sin of all: no beer check. 

Down-downs to Backsliding Bastards BlueBalls and BumSteer

Down-downs for Peeing on trail - to the urinary Golden Showers (awarded around his neck with the “I Peed on Trail Award” - which honorary emblem has never been seen since) and to the pissy  BlueBalls

Down-down for using a  Geek name on trail by  Black Widow and of course - when one GM drinks, they all drink, so here he is joined by Dyscount

Down-down to Half hasher basher  Phart who, as previously noted, quoted bad legs to not exert himself

Down-downs to Birdwatchers TwoJugs,  Birdie, and Oral Sox

ET presents a special token  to BumSteer for having the nicest hasher bum - proffering a bumper sticker from the “Gentlemen’s Club”, proclaiming: “You see nicer rears at the Gentlemen’s Club”, some sleazy establishment where no gentlemen and g-string-clad asses are found down in Yankeeland, eliciting cries of loss and confusion from former owner of selfsame trash, Mr. Phart.

And not stopping there, ET also begifts the late showing Barbie - (his excuse being that his brother had gallstones) - with the special Barbie underwear which he must have left on the bear rug in front of ET’s fireplace, since this is where it was found.  Alas! Barbie, you will need to lose some weight to fit into that little speedodat!

On-on to Gaitors Ted for the habitual hash food and drink and merriment - and then off we slink down on home.

On-on!                                                                                                                Reported by E.T.