March 24, 2002
Hey so here’s my first Hash Trash....
I knew this was going to be a good hash when I showed up
and aside from the hares, I was the only one there. I mean I knew I was in the
right spot because the gate to the parking lot was locked.... obviously a
concerned citizen found out that hashers were meeting there and phoned the city
. And while I waited for everyone else to show up at least I had a ring side
seat to watch the dirt bike, tractor pull, mud wrestling event going on across
the street.
Eventually the usual cast of characters showed up and away
we went.
Despite the fact that Glowworm was using invisible chalk
we managed to find the trail most of the time. Such as it was... imagine this
scribe’s disappointment when the trail meandered right by the fire station
without ever actually leading us inside. Really...they give tours all the time.
What’s the difference between a class of kindergarten students and a bunch of
hashers...okay the kids are smarter and definitely more mature...but aside from
that? The best excuse that Glowworm could offer was that the garage doors were
closed when he went by. Sigh. I couldn’t even take solace in alcohol since
there was no beer stop.
Nothing to be done but run as fast as possible to get to
the end and maybe pull the fire alarm at the On-On.
Speaking of running as fast as possible I noticed that the
usually fleet of foot Skewbic was just jogging along. Could it be that our new
G.M. was trying to mingle with us common folk to gain favour? He seemed to be as
shocked as everyone else when during the circle he yelled at us to listen and
for a split second we actually did. We soon came to our senses and continued to
treat him with the disrespect he deserved. I say deserved because I was shocked
to learn that in my short two-week absence our new (low) esteemed GM had already
managed to lose the sacred chalice. There has been much speculation as to where
it might be ...aspirations and accusations were cast upon the Hogtown half-minds
that showed up for the devil’s run, how about that Kazoo guy...hmmm...we never
did trust him. The really alarming part though is Skewbic’s solution. .
Obviously a man of means but, no honour...he suggested we "just buy a new
one." Good Grief man...how can you give up so easily? Must some of us more
adventurous Oakvillians take matters into our own hands...(well my name is Hand
Job after all) and make a trip to Hogtown to get it back? Apparently so.
Anyway after a pathetic substitute vessel was found, the
down downs began.
First for the hares of course...they deserved it just for
the fire station incident alone but anyway.
Bum Steer earned one for ...(and gee this is so unlike
him) being misdirected on trail. As far as I have seen he is misdirected on the
way to the trail, on the trail and after the trail but I guess technically the
down downs pertain only to the actual hash. Down downs were also given out in
recognition of 34 years of matrimonial bliss shared by our esteemed former GM
(whom to my knowledge has never lost the chalice) and his lovely bride Oral Sox.
Roadkill was nailed for falsifying marks and Black Widow for peeing on trail.
Clot got one for accusing the GM of conducting down downs with non-alcoholic
beer. (It wasn’t true and I have no idea where he got THAT idea.) Then he got
another one for wearing headgear in the circle.
We also had a naming. It was observed that Graham had
issues about the time so was duly named "Copulate" He pointed out that
the issues he had were more in the context of liking to be on time so Glowworm
had to explain that while that may be true...Copu-early just didn’t sound
right.
Last but not least your humble scribe in training would
like to stress how important it is that everyone show up at the On-On. That is
where the real drama unfolds...the dirt is discovered, the gossip is uncovered,
the scuttlebutt is scuttled. For example it was blatantly obvious that the Two
Jugs clan completely snubbed the rest of us lowly hashers using some flimsy
excuse about having to pick Beetle up. We all knew the real reason he didn’t
want to go was he was afraid that we would discover that Black Widow is actually
a woman. It’s amazing the things you can find out by simply attending the
On-On. Not only do you miss all that but you also miss such pearls of wisdom
being uttered such as, "In the land of the blind ...the one eyed man is
King." Now who wants to miss that...not me that’s for sure.
ON ON
Hand Job
