Phart’s Annual Labour Day
Hash
Sep 6, 2004
Run No 787
Hare: Phart
Location Red Hill
Parkway - part of Bruce trail
In attendance: GoodCrack, daughter Libby & boyfriend Shawn,
DeepShaft and SmeltHer, Hyena, Humidor, Dyscount, ET
This hash starts off ominously - it being a very hot
afternoon, and there does not seem to be any beer present. Dyscount denies
having any. Phart never thought about it. Anxious hashers peruse every car
that pulls up to the stop sign, hoping it is the beer chariot, Yes! That it
will turn right, Yes! but No!, they’re all wrong and they turn left, leaving us
slavering in the dust with mad thoughts of having to find a BeerStore on a
Statutory Holiday, before the Hash has even begun. Finally a red car with
Tobermory license plate screeches to a stop: it does not look like the familiar
van-type model, but they tricked us and it contains TwoJugs & Oral Sox, but more
importantly, it contains the beer, leading to exuberant Cheers for the Beer!
So after a quick suck we trot off on this fine warm
afternoon, into the verdant foliage of what seems to be part bucolic Bruce
Trail, and part the remains thereof:: devastated areas ravaged and raped by
massive machinery bent on ripping out trees, flattening charming hills and
generally ruining the landscape, all the while looking out for Indians in trees,
but they have long since stopped their futile protest against the onslaught of
suburbanization and the construction of pay-foreign-conglomerates-as-you-go
highways destined to transport highspeed gasguzzling SUV’s going nowhere and
draining valuable resources from our doomed and overheated planet.
So off we go, soon to be forced by Hare down a very steep
decline while Hare waits trickily at the top - much bitching and muttering from
the wymmin, while TwoJugs finds a short cut. Trotting along, going downhill we
find ourselves soon enough on a golf course, and while there don’t seem to be
too many golfers around, a cheerful beermaid in a golf cart chugs by,
immediately accosted by Hyena who always has his beer money in a sock and
promptly buys some alcoholic refreshments for himself and hare. Leaving the
golf course we detect some far-off habitations but shortly thereon descend back
into the bush, crossing a little creek which splashes our footwear. The tricky
Hyena almost make Libby stumble into the aquatic waves but knight Shawn to the
rescue to carry her over troubled waters in the firemen’s hold. We then get to
the abominable sight of the new highway under construction and FRB’s just keep
going with the speed of a tok-tok on the future high-velocity motorway, keeping
their eye on the faraway chariotpark, while the more sedate amongst us slide our
way down a steep gully and get our respectable asses back on the park trails.
Since the start of the journey was easy enough going down, we now have to pay
for it by climbing up a breathtakingly steep hill, and finally get back to the
chariots and the beer, anxiously awaited by the FRB’s who were there for a long
time already , but had no key to the beer chariot and forgot the coathanger this
time. So on to the ceremonial slugging::
Downdown to the Hare for a shitty trail
Downdown to ET for declaring having nothing to do with
selfsame trail and being a grandma
Downdown for the virgins Shawn & Libby - GM comes up with a
new song to the tune of Frère Jacques - And talking about songs, usually to be
provided by the Religious Advisor, this old Phart has no glasses on him so
can’t read the songsheets making Dyscount do double duty for 3 weeks and
conferring a Downdown on Phart.
Downdown for GoodCrack for cumming with the GM in the water
Downdown for DeepShaft & SmeltHer for having such
excellently matched names making them the Best-named pair in hasherdom
Downdown for Humidor - a usually quiet and unobtrusive
hasher who nevertheless confessed she was missing baby Kevin - leading to a
disgusting song being sung on her behalf
Downdown to Oral Sox & TwoJugs for impersonating Golden
Showers in their red car and for making the hash circle suffer while waiting for
the beer. They receive the prick of the week award; Oral Sox admiring the
little gadget on a string confesses it is bigger than what she is used to.
Downdown to Oral Sox and TwoJugs for having a birthday
cumming - and despite the puniness of aforementioned implement, Oral Sox is
foaming at the mouth
Downdown for Chivalry on trail - i.e. Shawn carrying Libby
over roiling waterways
An On-on followed at the Cheers Bar, well known from TV but
hard to find in Hamilton, in particular because Phart could not count up to the
right number of stoplights. Pizza and wings and streams of beer hit the spot
with the price being right at $10 each.
On-on!
Reported
by E.T.
Run No 788
GoodCrack’s Royal Brittanical Bash Hash
Sep 13, 2004
Hare: GoodCrack, aided by possible future
son-in-law
Location: Royal Botanical Gardens
In attendance: GoodCrack,, daughter Libby
& boyfriend Shawn, Deep shaft, ET & Phart, Roadkill, TwoJugs & Oral
Sox, Black Widow, WhileYouAreDownThere
(Neil), A Hasher from Chicago who says his name is GGPF but who is Known in the
Windy City as Loner Boner, Birdie, Barbie pulling in late, who has also pulled
out late since he has offspring.
It being a nice summer eve, we were
anticipating a pleasurable stroll through the horticulturally
unique grandeur of the soon-to-be-bankrupt RB Gardens, but nothing of it, our
way wended through native tree territory with common Canadian weeds rather than
exoticly foreign flora decorating our paths in
autumnal splendour. It not being clear
who exactly was the harecreator of said trail, we
were following undecipherable
markings and were boondoggled onto many lengthy false trails,
although there were only one or two fools who actually crossed the babbling
brook, while the rest of the pack stubbornly looked on and retraced their
steps, to the effect that the whole parcours was run
at least twice. A steep uphill was ascended in vain by some
hashers, who only had to clamber directly back onto the right route. The overabundance of creeks and lakelets provoked the urge to pee in yours truly but Barbie
looking backwards resulted in urinatus interruptus until a
proper water closet could be found. We
crossed the railway tracks by bridge, and stampeded along the
Burlington-Hamilton interconnector until we reached
once again the starting point, where FRB’s were back
already, having no entry to the beermobile, thus
being out of luck, until Barbie came to the rescue with a begged and borrowed
key. While scarfing
down chips and waiting we were delighted to detect a cute little live genus Lagomorpha lepus
bunny, and finally the real hare showed up.
So on we go to the prescribed ritual of
proffering the chalice to reprobates and others, starting with:
Downdown for the Hare for not enough beer stops,
trail being too dark, too many fancy English marks
Downdown to Birdie for backsliding
Downdown to the Shortcutters:
Black Widow, GGPF, WhileYouAreDownThere and Roadkill
Downdown for Disrespect for circle to the
chattering Phart & Barbie
Downdown to Phart again for wearing headgear while
consuming downdown
Downdown for Peeing on trail to several hashers
incl. ET, proving this to be a universal urge
Downdown for Overachieving to Barbie for doing a
marathon the day before plus wearing a race t-shirt - his excuse being that he
had been dressed by his wife!
Birdie accused Libby & Shawn of being
virgins, but
No! they are NOT! virgins -
so Birdie had to swallow her own accusatory drinkdown
Downdown to Neil for misrepresenting his hash
name: Calling himself WhileIAmDownThere instead of WhileYouAreDownThere
, making it very confusing as to who actually is or wants to be down where.
Considerable conversation took place about where to have
the on-on, the uninviting joint across
the street being unlit and having been closed since 1957. So down the road we go, to some reasonable rathole where wings and chips and beer were consumed in
vast quantities, leading us once again to the pissoir
and finally on on home.
On-on and over and out Reported
by ET
